I know, I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted an update. This one is going to be rough to write. I’m not looking for sympathy, just letting you all know where I’m at since you all ask how I’m doing. The short answer is good. Labs are stable for the most part. My medications changed a little bit, but overall, I’m the same. I feel much better than I did about a year ago. I go longer periods of time between when I’m worn out and just need to sleep.

I’m still running and doing Crossfit. Well not so much the last couple of weeks. Life has gotten in the way and we went to Disneyland for a week. Working out has helped a ton as well as eating better. I find that when I don’t eat processed foods, I feel so much better. But I’m sure that’s with everyone.

But the long answer and the real answer….I’m really miserable. Life is difficult to plan when I never know how I’m going to feel. We got back from our trip and I ended up sleeping for about three days just trying to recover. Everything I planned on doing during that time was postponed or I just didn’t get it done. I’m tired of not knowing what the future will be. I feel horrible that Cayden has to wait for the donation. She can’t really plan either. She will have to do all of her testing over again since it’s been so long. The transplant is inevitable, we just don’t know when.

I go through bouts of depression now. Sometimes it lasts for a week and lately it’s been lasting longer. I feel bad for my family having to put up with me. I’m really angry all the time and I don’t want to be around anyone. I do see my friends sometimes, but I don’t talk to them about this crap. I know my friends will listen, but I’m tired of talking about it. There’s nothing new to say. It’s easier to just not talk or just not even be around my friends. Eric said I should try getting on some anti depressants. I know he’s right. I make everyone around me miserable. I’ve had a history of depression. I’m no where near where I was when I got that low, but I know I’m depressed. It sucks. It’s a weird feeling to be really sick and not be able to live a normal life, but not quiet sick enough to make yourself better. Everything is out of my control.

I’m usually a super happy and positive person. Most people can’t tell I’m sad or even sick. I’m really good at putting on a fake smile. There are just some days when I just can’t do that anymore.

I’m finding that I am enjoying trail running a lot more. I go out by myself with no music and no people around. I don’t worry about my pace and I just run. Some runs I don’t even see anyone and it’s awesome. A few years ago I would never have gone on a trail run by myself. There are fucking animals out there and who knows if anyone would find my body if a squirrel attacked me. Hahaha! KIDDING! But trail running has been a great outlet for me and I don’t have to put on a happy face out there.

We had finally planned our family trip to Hawaii. I was so looking forward to going. I wouldn’t have to think about anything kidney related. Just have fun with the family and our friends. But this time Eric got injured and tore his meniscus which requires surgery. Well, that meant our fun trip to Hawaii was postponed. We gave the kids an option of going somewhere closer for a family trip since they had a week off of school. Well, they chose Disneyland. Ugh! The most crowded place on earth and I really don’t want to be around people right now. But we did end up having fun and I pushed Eric in a wheelchair all over the park for three days. It was a good workout. I didn’t know that Disneyland had so many hills. We postponed our Hawaii trip until July, but I had really needed it now, just for my sanity.

Thankfully, I have tons to look forward to and do to keep my mind off of all this stuff and maybe even help with the depression. I know there are worse things that could be going on and I am very thankful that this is all I’m going through right now. Thank you everyone for checking in and being concerned. I appreciate you all so much!!!!